I'm in love with my best friend.

and it sucks.

I've been in love with him for a long time. I've been in a relationship, dated, and slept with other guys in the hopes that my feelings for him go away.

But they didn't.

We knew we 'liked' each other, but love, love was a whole other step.

I got drunk and told him, he said I love you too.

It became one of them funny things between us.

Then at Leeds festival I was watching a band he introduced me to and I thought, fuck I miss Shane. And I went to see them alone and just really wanted him stood next to me, singing along, not really taking any notice of me because he will always love music more, but I wouldn't care, but I loved the band and I loved him, and I wanted to hear his happy little voice and watch his eyes light up for his favourite songs.

The day later, after a few very drunken nights, I was sat in my tent and I felt a huge pang in my empty chest and then i knew. That was the minute I realised that i don't just love him, I'm IN love with him. 

Back home a couple of weeks later, I went out got drunk, and sent him the typical 'I love you' text and sent it back, and i said no, I'm IN love with you. 

He held it against me a little while but we went on as normal, as my best friend.

I went to see him when he was back in Lincoln, and it was so nice to be with him

Before I had to leave we slept together, and although i was very aware it was him, it was still nice, i hadnt slept with someone I genuinely had feelings for for a while. 

This is when things got complicated.

They were okay for a little while.

Until he decided that yes, he was ready to be with me.

And it took me off guard. I'd prepared myself to love him forever and never be with him.

Then he was turning around saying he wants me. Despite the fact that I'm moving to Italy in 3 months time. 

I haven't exactly took it well. I've just kind of freaked out a lot.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is, I'm so scared to lose him as my best friend. It would literally kill me to  lose him. So is trying at a relationship really worth it. Yes I'd be incredibly happy, but it wouldn't be an easy relationship in the slightest. Which would lead us to the possibility of breaking up, which would be disastrous. 

And now we're arguing. Our first real argument. Which has left us not speaking, saying we'll speak tomorrow, but i cant go to bed mad at him, or knowing he's mad at me. So I'll text him and see if he's free to speak later. Just to brush this under the carpet for now. We've got 8 days until we see each other again. 

This scares me that we've only been away from each other for 3 weeks and we're arguing like this, and getting agitated with each other, when, in 3 months time I'll be going away for 6-8 months. To a different country. He's in his 3rd year so he'll be too busy at Uni to ever see me. 

This is an impossible relationship but I want to be with him.

I'm resisting for fear of getting hurt again, but the thought of him with someone else pains me too much. 

I'm getting my first tattoo on friday. Lyrics from an Apologies I have none song that go,
'the worst mistake to make is to be afraid to make mistakes'

its the motto i want to live by.

so by that, i shouldnt be scared of ending with Shane, I should be looking to what we COULD have together. Because what if he really is the one. and I'm too scared to make a mistake that im not going to try it.

I really don't know.