-

You came to me when I was broken.
You made me better, or so I believed.
I could walk with my head up again.
But only with you next to me.
I could go out and live again.
But only with you next to me.
I could breathe and think again.
But only with you controlling every breath
and intruding in every thought.

I was healed.
But I wasn't.
Instead you made the wound harsher.
Pouring salt and kissing clean.
My enemy, my saviour.

You protected me.
With your hands around my neck.
You kept me safe
With my hand pinned to my side.
You whispered soft words into my ear
When I screamed in pain.
You made me. I was yours.
I belonged to you.

Weaker and weaker.
Vulnerable.
Scared and confused.
You broke me.

You broke me.

-

'You scared me last night.' I admitted to him. He brought his hand gently to my cheek and rolled over to look directly at me. 'I didn't mean to baby, I never want you to be scared of me.' This isn't the first time I'd heard that line. It wouldn't be the last either.
Giving in I kissed him lightly on the cheek and climbed over him and out of bed. Dressed myself ready for the day.
'Okay?' I asked him, dressed in leggings, a simple dress and boots.
'Perfect' he replied. 'My gorgeous girl.'
Crossing the room to the bathroom I proceeded to apply my make up. His long arms creeped around my waist and his head way above mine reached down to softly kiss my neck. He didn't like me wearing make up, and preferred me with my natural hair. He claimed I was perfect completely stripped back. Vulnerable. The person he made me.
I was completely in awe of him, I loved him, he loved me, what more could I ask for. He was romantic, surprise visits, and kind gestures forever made my heart melt.

I'm in love with my best friend.

and it sucks.

I've been in love with him for a long time. I've been in a relationship, dated, and slept with other guys in the hopes that my feelings for him go away.

But they didn't.

We knew we 'liked' each other, but love, love was a whole other step.

I got drunk and told him, he said I love you too.

It became one of them funny things between us.

Then at Leeds festival I was watching a band he introduced me to and I thought, fuck I miss Shane. And I went to see them alone and just really wanted him stood next to me, singing along, not really taking any notice of me because he will always love music more, but I wouldn't care, but I loved the band and I loved him, and I wanted to hear his happy little voice and watch his eyes light up for his favourite songs.

The day later, after a few very drunken nights, I was sat in my tent and I felt a huge pang in my empty chest and then i knew. That was the minute I realised that i don't just love him, I'm IN love with him. 

Back home a couple of weeks later, I went out got drunk, and sent him the typical 'I love you' text and sent it back, and i said no, I'm IN love with you. 

He held it against me a little while but we went on as normal, as my best friend.

I went to see him when he was back in Lincoln, and it was so nice to be with him

Before I had to leave we slept together, and although i was very aware it was him, it was still nice, i hadnt slept with someone I genuinely had feelings for for a while. 

This is when things got complicated.

They were okay for a little while.

Until he decided that yes, he was ready to be with me.

And it took me off guard. I'd prepared myself to love him forever and never be with him.

Then he was turning around saying he wants me. Despite the fact that I'm moving to Italy in 3 months time. 

I haven't exactly took it well. I've just kind of freaked out a lot.

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is, I'm so scared to lose him as my best friend. It would literally kill me to  lose him. So is trying at a relationship really worth it. Yes I'd be incredibly happy, but it wouldn't be an easy relationship in the slightest. Which would lead us to the possibility of breaking up, which would be disastrous. 

And now we're arguing. Our first real argument. Which has left us not speaking, saying we'll speak tomorrow, but i cant go to bed mad at him, or knowing he's mad at me. So I'll text him and see if he's free to speak later. Just to brush this under the carpet for now. We've got 8 days until we see each other again. 

This scares me that we've only been away from each other for 3 weeks and we're arguing like this, and getting agitated with each other, when, in 3 months time I'll be going away for 6-8 months. To a different country. He's in his 3rd year so he'll be too busy at Uni to ever see me. 

This is an impossible relationship but I want to be with him.

I'm resisting for fear of getting hurt again, but the thought of him with someone else pains me too much. 

I'm getting my first tattoo on friday. Lyrics from an Apologies I have none song that go,
'the worst mistake to make is to be afraid to make mistakes'

its the motto i want to live by.

so by that, i shouldnt be scared of ending with Shane, I should be looking to what we COULD have together. Because what if he really is the one. and I'm too scared to make a mistake that im not going to try it.

I really don't know.

A Creeping Past.

My past has always been a creeper. I'll think everything's okay, maybe I'll start the road to recovery soon, then my past stops by to remind me why I am the way I am today.

An ex boyfriend will appear and shatter my heart into a million pieces with the story of him falling in love with his friend, a girl whom I also called a friend.

A scar will become more prominent reassuring me of my failures.

Scar. Scars. Plural. 

Lying in the bath, soapy water climbing over my body, eyes are drawn to the tracks left across my right.
My right leg, little white lines to haunt. Work your way up my body, these white lines creep around, tracing my bones, outlining my fat. Reassuring me of my failures. Each line owns its own story. Every glimpse I get I feel the pain all over again.

I am broken.

I have lost pieces along the journey.

I will never be whole again.

So what's the point?




Keep Holding On

One day. Maybe.

My ex boyfriend just sent me this text, 

'I'm looking forward to that one day we bump into each other, maybe in a week, a month, years down the line, grab a drink somewhere. It'd be nice.'

He does things like this and it makes me melt. I'm putty in his hands all the time, he will never have me physically again but he's making damn sure I'm his emotionally. Before everything went wrong I thought we were perfect. Before we got together, when we were just seeing each other it was perfect. As soon as I was his, trapped, under his thumb, he thought' he could do whatever he liked, see whoever he liked, say whatever he liked, and for a while I put up with it, I would try and break up with him and he would always draw me back in. I was stuck in a vicious cycle. 

But before this, we would be amazing together, I was so happy. Happier than I'd ever been. I felt like all my problems just faded away when he walked into my life. 

Tear marks stain my face, because not a day goes by when I don't think of him, miss him. The problem is, every thought hurts like punch in the chest. Happy times make me miss him, but I always end up back to that night, the final night. I hear his angry voice, I see the eyes that didn't belong to the perfect caring boyfriend of mine. I feel his hands tightening around my wrist and feel my body slam to the floor. His big strong hands move from my arms to my neck, his legs around my waist, I was paralysed. His fingers squeezing tighter and tighter. The air being pushed out of my lungs. 

I couldn't speak. I couldn't breath. I couldn't feel. 

Had my neighbours, my best friends, my brothers, not stormed in at that moment I have no idea what would have happened. 

They saved my life. 

My best friend, Shane, is one of them. He's amazing. He's helped me through everything. I owe him everything. My life. Whoever he marries one day will be an incredibly lucky lady, because he damn sure will look after you. 

But I always come first ;)

Keep Holding On

Kitty xoxo

Welcome to My World.

Hello there, I am Kitty, I am 18 years old. To be blunt, I've hated my life for as long as I remember.

Hated school.

Hated home.

Hated life.

I left my hometown for Lincoln when I was 16 and recently moved back. In them two years I've had 3 relationships end, all pretty disastrous. These days the one I will talk about most is my most recent one, we weren't together long, about 6 months. We split up because he beat me up. He got arrested, I didnt press charges so he was released and now I battle daily to get by without him. Its a struggle not to text him and i find myself rolling over in my sleep and reaching out for him. Sucks so much.

I swear a lot, I will try not too.

Basically this is just an outlet for me, to post my thoughts, my feelings. If you want to read it feel free, it's probably not that entertaining, however I would appreciate outer opinions on many of my situations. I struggle to make decisions and end up trapped in circles so you will be a great help to me!

Keep Holding On.

Kitty xoxo